Well, friends…this is something I thought I would NEVER write about. I am what I would consider a very private person, and this is something I do not talk about with others. BUT here goes nothing! I am writing this and putting it out there for those it might possibly help and for those that feel alone.
Let me just start by saying, girl, you are not alone! I am here, and I urge you to send me an email if you want to talk. However, I am a private person, and I would appreciate if I didn’t get a lot of, sorry’s and it will happen eventually, or in God’s time or any other comment that you think might make me feel better. I do not want your sympathy, all I ask is that you share this in hopes that it will find someone it can help. So here we go folks…infertility sucks!
Growing up, I was one of those girls that didn’t know if she wanted to have kids or not. Don’t get me wrong, I liked kids, but I wasn’t sure if they were right for me. When I met my husband, at age 16, that was not something that was on my radar. A couple of years later, when I knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with, things changed. The conversation about having kids was discussed, and becoming parents was mutual between us. I guess when you find that perfect person, things start looking a little clearer, and you know what you want in life (well, kinda haha).
About a year later, my sister tried to conceive, and it took her 2 years before she became pregnant. At that moment, I knew that it wouldn’t be an easy task for Jeff and I when we were ready. After her long 9 months of pregnancy, I got to hold my nephew. It was such an amazing moment for me, and I just knew I wanted to be a mom. He was so perfect! His tiny hands and little feet. I will never forget that moment I first saw him and thought about how perfect he was. How was I so lucky to get to be his Aunt. That moment changed so much.
3 years later, Jeff and I got married and wanted to try and start a family right away. I had been on birth control since 17 years old due to irregular periods, and at the moment, had an IUD in. I went to the doctor in June 2011 and had my IUD removed. (Let me just say that I will NEVER EVER use an IUD again. It truly messed up my hormones, and I had so many issues after getting it out.) The doctor informed me that it would take a few months for my hormones and cycle to get back on track and not to worry if it took a few months before we could get pregnant.
Months go by and still no pregnancies. I do not remember the timeline, but I had many doctors appointments, I even changed doctors, and we tried a fertility specialist. When we went to the fertility clinic, I did some ultrasounds and had some blood-work done. Nothing was ever found. They said I was creating follicles and it looked like I was ovulating. So we decided to try Clomid with a trigger shot. That didn’t work, and things got expensive fast. We had to stop the Clomid and fertility clinic visits. At that time, I decided to focus on trying to get my hormones back in check and get my periods more regular.
My hormones were so messed up that you couldn’t even tell when I was on or off my period. My mood swings and just my overall mood was a constant mess. I would fly off the handle about anything and everything, and I wouldn’t be able to control it. My cycles were anywhere from 35-60 days long, and if I was lucky, I would only have my period for 5-7 days. I had horrible acne (I still have the scars, but I’m working on those with oils.) and would also have cramps so bad that I just wanted to curl up in a ball and lay on the bed. Oh, I cannot forget the headaches that turned to migraines. Those suck!!! I would have those more often than not. The list just went on and on.
I started doing some research on hormones and looking for some natural ways to help support my body. My sister had started taking herbs to help with some issues she was having and suggested I give it a try. I went and met with a nice lady who prescribed me a LOT of herbs. It was clear my hormones were way off, and I was desperate to try anything. I was doing great taking my pills (even though I hate taking pills) and then I noticed how much money this was going to cost every month. Like hundreds and hundreds of dollars every month for these herbs, and she thought I would need to give them at least a year before I started to see results.
If you know me, you know I do not have the patience for that! So it was time to do some more research. Next up, essential oils. This is when I finally started to get some results. My cycles started to get shorter, and my mood swings started to become less and less. The best part was that I could pinpoint when I was going to get upset, and I could grab for my oils to help me through those times. My acne slowly started to improve, and my headaches got fewer and fewer. My body slowly started to detox, and I was becoming closer and closer to what I would consider ‘normal’ again.
So as you can imagine, this process went on for years. No pregnancies, no babies in sight (even though my hormones were starting to straighten out). We got married in 2011, and as I write this, it is currently January 2020. The struggle is real…and long…and tough…and exhausting…and every other word you can think of when you think of infertility. BUT, that being said, it does NOT define me! I am still strong, passionate, loving, kind, understanding, and most importantly, I still believe in God (trust me, this is important when you start questioning everything in your life).
I cannot explain why I cannot conceive. Yes, we are still exploring options and doing tests here and there as money allows. This infertility journey is an expensive one! That is part of the reason why we are still here 8+ years into our journey and still no baby. Money gets tight, and we have to stop looking for answers. I get it, and I know others in my situation get it too.
What you need to know
I just want those women out there to know that they are not alone. If you have a journey like mine (ours) it is not the end for you. You are made for so much more, and your body is not your enemy. You are beautiful, and you are perfect in God’s eyes. He made you this way for a reason (even though you might not know the reason or ever understand it).
If you are reading this blog in hopes that you will find a happy ending and a baby at the end of this page, I am sorry. There is no baby here, and I do not know if there ever will be. I am not going to sit here and tell you it is going to happen. I am not going to try and make you feel better and tell you your time is just around the corner. I cannot promise you something that only God can.
BUT, I can tell you that you can still change this world and help others. I am going to tell you to stop focusing on the negatives and start looking for the positives. Stop blaming yourself for things you cannot control. It is NOT your fault that your body has chosen not to carry a baby. Can you do things to improve your chances? Absolutely, but at the same time, you cannot make your body do something that it physically doesn’t want to do.
Not being able to carry a child doesn’t make you less of a woman. It doesn’t make you less of a human or less of a contribution to this world. It is just one part of us, but not all of us. Please please hear me when I say that you are not alone and that you are perfect the way you are. AND that you are loved!!!
He gets it!
I am so lucky to be going through this journey with Jeff. He always makes me feel so good about myself and is always there for me. Especially every time Day 1 of my cycle rolls around, and I feel completely hopeless. He loves me unconditionally and has told me numerous times that he is so happy to have me in his life, even if that means he cannot have a family of his own.
Sometimes when we go through this journey, we think we are alone. We tell ourselves that nobody understands. Nobody could possibly get what we are going through. Ladies, I understand and trust me, your husband understands too.
If you can take anything away from this post, I urge you to share it with others. You may not know who needs to read this or who is struggling. This may just come at the perfect time for someone else.